Personal Testimony from Rachel’s Mother
When Joan from Life Center called me and asked me to tell my story for their web site, I agreed wholeheartedly. I agreed for two reasons. #1 to get the word out and inform people what abortion is really about and how it affected my life and #2 how Life Center, and especially Joan, influenced my life in a positive way.
While the abortion that I endured is forever integrated into my soul and life, I am at a place with it where I am comfortable most of the time. I fear that digging deep down to recall and retell everything will make me feel things I haven’t felt in a while. These are feelings that are inescapable when you do something that can never be changed or fixed.
At the age of 17 when I found out that I was pregnant, I knew in my heart that the right thing to do, would be to carry the baby to full term. There was so much pressure on me from the baby’s father to have an abortion. And from his family. I kept telling them that I didn’t want to have an abortion. But my cries for support were pointless. My voice was hoarse and no one heard me.
So one day, just like that, I caved into the pressure. I told my boyfriend that I had decided that I would do it, I would do what he was asking me to do. I heard a sigh of relief on the other end of the phone.
I knew that I didn’t want to do it. But I didn’t realize what it actually meant. What it meant to my heart, mind and spirit.
I cried the whole way to the women’s center. I cried so hard I could barely catch my breath. I asked God for a sign to stop me, but at the time, I didn’t see it. I went in for the “abortion counseling”. I was still crying and trying very hard to catch my breath. I told the counselor that I felt that I was being forced into the abortion by the baby’s father who was in the waiting room, waiting for me. She said nothing back. As I wiped away my tears continuously, she looked at me and smiled and told me that I could go back to the room and get my gown on.
When it was almost time, my feet were in the stirrups and I was told by the doctor that if I didn’t stop crying that they wouldn’t give me any more anesthesia and I’d have to get the procedure done awake.
I wish I had gotten up then.
When I woke up, I immediately felt that something was missing. I got up and was told by the nurse that I needed to lay back down. I didn’t. I ran to the bathroom. “Please let this have been a dream. Please don’t let there be any blood” but there was. And I hadn’t felt any different when I found out I was pregnant.
At least I didn’t notice any changes in my body. But when my baby was taken out of me, I realized that I had to have felt different before, because I could feel that my baby was missi ng. I had to get out of there. I put my clothes on and walked out to my boyfriend. I was still sorta drugged, so I didn’t say much on the way home. Just asked him to pull over a couple of times so I could vomit.
Laying in my bed, I started to feel the drugs that had put me under begin to wear off more and more which meant I was coming back to reality. I wanted to die. I was praying that the feeling of death would go away. Actually, I was praying to find the strength to stay here, among the living. I felt that I wanted to be with my baby. My baby that I took a huge part in murdering. But I didn’t realize. I didn’t realize how final my decision was. I wanted it back. I wanted it back in my womb. I didn’t want to be a murderer. Not only a murderer. I murdered my own child. I wouldn’t wish the feelings that I felt so intensely on my worst enemy.
I reached out to Life Center during this difficult time. And they were there for me 100%. They didn’t judge me. I truly felt their sympathy and empathy. I learned a lot of things through the counseling that Joan set up for me. I learned that every person who has an abortion will experience trauma. Although for some people it will happen years from the time of the abortion and that the father of the deceased child will feel remorse and loss. (I know this to be true first hand).
It’s been four years since my abortion. I now have a three year old daughter. I got pregnant with her about six months after my abortion.
I think that I was looking to fill the void and heartache that I had created from killing my child before it could be born.
While my daughter has brought me unbelievable joy and love, nothing will change what I did. I feel very fortunate to have my precious gift from God, my daughter, Rachel. What she truly means to me, only one person can fully understand!